that night at th bbq. that hug of yours, it was so tight that i cud still remember. i shudn't had said hello, you're wet! i shud have just kept queit and hugged you tightly, and never let go. even if im gonna get home late, even if my parents gonna kill me. i shudn't had let go of you my dear. i shud have just remained silent and hugged you tightly, so you wudn't leave. i shud have made you feel me, so you wudn't bear to leave. now i realized, why i felt such a distance away from you that day. now i know, why my heart just wudn't calm down. why i got such a bad feeling that night, why i cried and told valerie, im so afraid. its all signs, but i was just that step later. i wanted to send you a msg just saying i love you. but i didn't. life is full of regrets, just at that moment. everyone took things for granted, because you thought, they'll still be here breathing when you open your eyes. but i was wrong. when i opened my eyes, i've to accept th cruel fact you've planted on for me, and that is, you're gone.

its alright, cause.. i know, no matter what happens, you'll keep an eye on me. you always told me that, if you try to me funny, you'll be dead. and th sentence you loved to use, you better sleep early! no why. mark my words. if i catch you still awake aft twelve. you'll get it from me! thers so many things that you'll do, everything that you said, its not that i dont remember, its not that i dont listen, its not that i cudn't hear, its not that i hate your naggings. its just.. i'll love to hear your voice while you repeat everything once again. whenever you say i love you, i'll add on a huh. its just a game both of us always play along with. cause you once said, its great to hear your love ones saying, i love you. it cant be compared to any other things else in th world. you once told me, even thou i've lost everything in th world, but im glad that i had you, and your love. i must treasure and cherish you very well this time round. and you always tells me, you make me smile. i cant stand your rubbish dumb ass. but i love you.

ther was once when you asked me. what do you think of our relationship? are you sure its sweet? lovely, i hope you can be more demanding. dont always give in to me. its not fair to you, and you know im very lazy. so please, tell me whatever you want. i wanna give my best to you because i love you. and you'll always encourage me by saying, its okay, study harder. dont get sad over your results, im sure you'll be able to make it well. im here beside you always. pour all your unhappiness to me, i can hold it strong for you. i'll be your best listener. and after your exams, we'll go out and celebrate and have fun okay? i'll feel so much better jsut by hearing all these. whatever i do, i feel safe, because i know, you'll be ther watching by me. because i know, no matter what happens, lovely will be behind me, supporting always.

still remember? ther was a time. you told me, i'll bring you to th peak of mount everest one day. i promise. you said you'll piggy back me. others may think its not a realistic thing to do. but i believe you, i believe you'll bring me ther one day. i even asked, are you sure you wanna piggy back me? im very fat, so im heavy! you said, nahs.. im a strong and fit man. no problem! and carrying my love one, it'll not be heavy for sure, it'll be very sweet. you even said, i'll like to spend our time at th beach, wher i'll piggy back you and walk around th whole beach, and i'll let you rest on me when you're tired. and you said, i wanna hug you to sleep everynight. i wish that you'll be th first person i see whenever i open my eyes. and you'll always tell me hannah hannah, naggy leis you.. love you las..

and i remember that, you'll always ask me tons of questions like how i always questioned you like that. ther was once you asked. if you had a chance, to only live with me. only both of us, in this place. wher you'll lose contact with your frens and family. or perhaps you'll only get to see them sometimes. are you willing to stay by me and live together till we both die? i thought, and said, yes i will, because as long as you're around im willing. but you asked, wont you get bored? everyday, only both of us. living together, not going out to th outside world. just kept inside. i assured you by saying, no i wont lahs, i promise i promise. you even asked so many times before, saying, actually i dont think im worth you, i bastard you so many times. you shud be hurt so badly and shud be hating me. cause any other girls who are hurt once or twice, wud had run away from me. but why arent you even hating me? and i told you, because if you really love someone, you'll never be able to truely hate him/her. thats th answer.

and i miss th times, when you'll say eh! dont act one strong can? im here for you! and i told you before, you can only die in my hands. though its normal for girls to die in my hands. i'll say oh shut up, then let other girls be with you then! then you'll say, i smell vinegar, oops! okay lahs, im just kidding. you know im just joking. believe me my dear. and you'll always say eh, thers a fit man here for you to hug and hold on, but why do you insist on acting like you've got good balance, this is th mrt ah aunty! and i remember you saying to me, on my birthday. so sincerely that i'll remember it forever. and i'll remember th shy expression you gave, th very first time i've ever seen it in my whole life. you told me that, i know i've let you down many times. but im telling you, this time, im very sure and serious, you'll be th only girl i'll love from now on. i'll not love anyone else, except you. i'll cherish and treasure you. i will not give in to sufferings that will hurt you and make you cry anymore. you'll be my last one. i promise you this.

and all these i know, you really do love me. i'll not compare th things you did for me and to her anymore. because i'll not doubt you anymore. and i will not accept any departure from then on. you said, not to think of such things, you'll be with me all th way, you'll be my only man, cause you dont ever wanna give in to sufferings that will make both of us bleed. yes, you did, th only thing was, you left now. it was such a terrible fact that i've to fact on my own. but right now, im okay, because i'll remember everything you once said to me.

although you did not fulfill th last few things that we promised to, its okay..
you said, you'll play th piano for me, and only me.
you said, to sing th ten songs i chose for me.
you said, to get back to th bball team & play for me.
you said, you wanna hear me sing th songs you chose.
you said, you want to hear me playing th guitar.
you said, you'll bring me to th ferris wheel.
you said, how sweet it wud be, if you propose at th ferris wheel.
you said, to have a romantic dinner out.
you said, to hug me to sleep.
you said, we will celebrate our third month.
you said, you wanna see me dressed up.
you said, you wanna go shopping with me.
you said, aft my Os, you'll be out with me always.
you said, aft my Os, you have a song in particular for me.
you said, you'll bring me to th peak of mt everest.

you said so much things, have you forgotten? im someone who remembers whatever you said? everything is stored and it cant be erased. my dear, i've lost so much things since you're gone. im trying hard to get back on track. wud you please help me with it? i know badly, that i wished to see you so much. th three days looking at your photo at th wake and your body in th coffin, its not enough for me. no, its not. i wished badly to dream of you every night, hoping you cud tell me, whats going on, how're you. people always say, if you see th person who passed away smiling to you, it means he/she is crying. so please, lovely, dont cry anymore. i know, not everyone will understand what we're going thru. not everyone will believe all these shit. but wait, you just gotta know, i believe, i believe in everything you said to me. i'll never doubt you, i'll never give up in you. even if th whole world turns on you, im with you. like what you always said to me. because, im your dearest lovely. yes, its for sure.